I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
