just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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