A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
