it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
