How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
