I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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