Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
