i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I need water and some morals
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
