Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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