shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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