Have you finally orgasmed yet?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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