why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
