I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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