I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
