I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
