I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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