Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
