Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
