I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
