I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
