so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
