Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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