PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
