I think I died a long time ago.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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