if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
