so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
