He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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