thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
