Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
