be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.