Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
