You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I could make wine with my vomit
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
