I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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