so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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