so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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