She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
