you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
