Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
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