i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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