So drunk its hurt
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
