but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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