i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
