Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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