Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
