If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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