I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
