i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
