either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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