yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea