i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.