Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid