it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.