She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
