I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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