Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
