i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
