My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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